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24 Jan

Last night I had a difficult time sleeping. My spirit didn’t feel at peace and I had many unclear thoughts floating through my sleepy yet uncomfortable mind. I was ruminating on unformed thoughts, like words that balance on the tip of the tongue. I prayed that God would bring clarity to what he wanted me to understand, and he gave me a sliver of a revelation.

As an established adult with three children, I can see both the beginning and the end of life. I remember my childhood so easily, all the while foreseeing my children in adulthood with their own children, and I have come to realize the shortness of life. I spent a large fraction of my given life discontent, although I have been on a road for the past few years understanding the intimacies of a relationship with God and I have felt such fulfillment in basking in who God is and His love for me. Without going in to too many details, I can list things that I have not been content with throughout my life: My figure, my physical features, my expectations, my house, my parenting, my lack of knowledge, wisdom, and understanding, just to name a few extremely broad categories.

As I have conquored different giants within myself, I have encountered people who are  absolutely consumed by their discontentment and I have thought with some surprise, “You haven’t gotten that, yet?” However, I have realized that not everyone has sat in the same class of life as I, and as a result, I have had a clarifying revelation.

Last night among the nebulous thoughts in my spirit, I heard whispers of “destroy” and “destruction” and “be consumed.” They were chants of the darkness that I saw around a weak and frail body of believers. I felt paralyzed and feeble.  But just as soon as I started curling in to a ball, I burst forth like a ball of fire in the darkness and declared the word that Jesus came to give life, and life in abundance.

Upon waking this morning, I felt tired from my restless night. I still, at that moment, didn’t understand the many murmers of my spirit from the evening; all I could say is that I felt weird and uncomfortable and hadn’t slept peacefully, even though I prayed, “en paz me acostaré, así mismo me dormiré.” (Psalm 4:8 In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.)

Throughout the morning I carried the echos of the night with me, and I felt as if I was in a strange land with a foreign tongue and I hadn’t been able to understand what was being said around me.

At church, my pastor breezed over a verse and paraphrased how Jesus came to give us abundant life. “Abundant life” kept reverberating in my spirit, like a string plucked strongly and left to sound. Thoughts slowly began to come together to coherence.

It is here that I have come to declare that those who call themselves believers have a form of godliness, but deny the power of the Creator of the universe. The devil has set out to destroy anything that he can place his hands on, and his destruction is the obvious and the obscure. He is delighted when those who claim to follow God focus so much on themselves and on their shortcomings that they ignore living an abundant life and are in a constant state of emergency within themselves. Their energy is spent on conquoring their giants that they have nothing left over to give others. I am here to say that Jesus conquored it all! He conquored the grave! You do not have to fight yourself; you have to surrender to Him. How much more effective can we be as Christians if we don’t have to focus our energy on putting out a dozen grassfires every day. God comes like a rushing ocean. Are our battles too much for Him? Stop battling and start surrendering.

A few weeks ago, someone was discouraged because “the church people” weren’t getting it. I said, “don’t waste your time ministering to church people. Jesus came to seek and save the lost.” While I agree with myself, this is the word to you today to live abundantly.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10.10
















2-4 Days till due date

17 Apr

Ok, I better get this down, because I’ve been busy (…busy not being in labor, that is!).

I’ve been getting up and getting beautified in the morning, in hopes that labor will decide to come on when I am well rested, well dressed, and well made up with my hair and face. I think that is the most annoying thing.  I feel like I am getting ready for a date and I am just sitting around waiting for my date to arrive at my house to pick me up… And I’m starting to think my date is standing me up. Has that happened to any ladies? You get super beautiful and spend 2.5 hours getting ready for a date, and you get stood up? That depicts my feelings at the moment.

Two days ago, I just prepared the house (at turtle speed) for mom’s arrival.  I accomplished very little, but the house was presentable by the time she arrived. Nothing too exciting happened during the day. 

That night, I had a cortisol rush and was unable to fall asleep for several hours. After I finally fell asleep, I only slept for maybe 2 hours, then I woke up and was unable to sleep. I decided to get out of bed at around 3am and read. I finally got a bit drowsy and thought I would have success falling asleep, so I returned to my bed at 4:30am. I was unable to fall asleep until after Fernando got up for work, which was at 6am that morning. I finally drifted off to sleep and was awakened at 6:40am by the sound of the children chatting with each other in the monitor. I was so bummed that I got woken up, and I was beyond exhausted for the entire day. And because I was so tired, I skipped the coffee (because I just couldn’t even think in the morning). 

Yesterday, 3 days till my due date, we went to my prenatal appointment. Right before leaving for my appointment I lost a big chunk of my music plug. I was dreamily wishing that I would arrive to my appointment and be at 5cm and baby would come that afternoon. 

At my appointment, we discovered that baby is presenting posterior, something that literally happened the night before. Baby had been facing my back but looking toward my left side for at least two months. S/he did not move out of that position, and days before I’m supposed to give birth, s/he decides to move to a less favorable position!  Silly baby. Midwife recommended hands and knees and cat/cow exercise. I felt boarderline depressed and frustrated when I learned that baby had moved. I thought, “If only baby had come one day earlier, things would have been better!” I have since come to terms with baby’s position (as of yesterday). I can still birth this baby. I can trust baby. I can trust my body. Babies can move! I feel like this is a test in my trust in my baby, my body, and God. 

Also, the juicy cervical news disappointed me for some reason. I only advanced 0.5cm from last week. I was 3cm yesterday and was 75% effaced. I know 3cm is more open than 2.5cm, but I feel like at this rate I will be pregnant for a few more months.

After my appointment, we headed to the mall.  My sister was determined that we were going to “shop this baby out.” I did spend quite a bit of time walking. Rebecca was wearing her pedometer and supposedly walked almost 5 miles yesterday. I was pretty pooped out after our day shopping. The fun part for me was that I found a top that I plan on wearing during labor, and I also got a light bathrobe for labor. Not only can I wear the robe in labor, but I really needed a light bathrobe for summertime. I wear my giant bathrobes all the time! 

Last night I decided to follow my bedtime routine a little bit more strictly, and I also took some benedryl. I slept really well, but I woke up around 1am and had period-like cramping in the style of contraction waves. They would come on every few minutes and last for a few minutes. I got up to pee probably 3 times in less than two hours. I also had several stronger contractions sprinkled in, and I kept expecting to see a bloody show. I didn’t think that I was in labor at the moment, but I thought, “Oh, I bet this means that I will be starting labor and having a baby in the next 24 hours!” I decided to go to sleep, which was easy to do thanks to the benedryl, and I figured if I kept getting woken up by contractions, that it would mean that I probably had begun active labor.

I slept fitfully the rest of the night from 2am-ish until 7am. I felt happy and refreshed in the morning. The weather was absolutely crazy, so we decided to abandon our shopping plans for the morning. It was snowing, sleeting, hailing, raining, and thundering. By late morning, mom and Rebecca went shopping and I stayed home with the kids. They got home right after I put the kids down for a nap. The only thing I did while they were gone was run up and down the stairs 10 times, and hands and knees, and dance with the kiddos.

In the afternoon, Rebecca and I set out to look to exchange out some of our body jewelry. I got a pink nose ring with a bigger stud than what I had before. Then we went to another place because Rebecca decided she wanted to get a tragus piercing. That took a really long time, but the bonus is that after 5 years, I added a little bling to my tragus piercing and exchanged out my dull silver ball with a pretty iridescent pearly one. 

After we changed out all our bling, we headed to a nail salon by my house to get a pedicure. After spending forever trying to figure out which colors we wanted, I sat down and realized it would be a super long wait until we were able to get our pedicure, and we only had about an hour until dinnertime. We decided to make an appointment first thing tomorrow morning. Rebecca was quite distressed that I might end up not pedicured for labor, and I said, “If I go in to labor and don’t have a pedicure, I don’t think I will be complaining at this point!” After that, we quickly walked to the grocery store next door and grabbed a few things plus a Starbucks coffee. We got home, ate dinner, hot pie, and ice cream, then played with the kids. That has been my day/past few days!

5 days till due date

14 Apr

Today I woke up and my immediate thought was how well I felt!  I laid in bed for a good 15 minutes, trying to decide if I had been healed of my infirmity. Nose? Feeling clear and not bone dry. Throat? Clear and happy! Sinuses? (wiggling my facial muscles) Free of obstruction. Body? Refreshed; not achey. Slight discomfort in the pelvis. Ear? Feeling better than when I’m not sick! After using great momentum to throw my legs in order to exit my bed, I realized that I still had slight congestion in my sinuses, but it felt like nothing I couldn’t handle!

I went to work and accomplished very little. I am feeling like I only have two speeds: turtle speed, and snail  speed. I decided when I woke up that I was going to take my time getting ready. It was so nice to not have to shout frantically, “Hurry up!” or “Fast, fast!” or “Let’s go!” at the kids this morning. We just did our thing and I kept my blood pressure down. 

Climbing in to the backseat of the van to buckle and unbuckle the kids was a task today. I lost the pep in my step to jump easily in to the back seat. I am comforted by the fact that I do not have to buckle or unbuckle those kids any more while pregnant!

I have been mentally distracted today as well.  I have been daydreaming about what my mom and sister are doing and feeling, and imagining the next 24 hours. In my imagination, I see myself cleaning the house somewhat leisurely, all the while my mom and sister are driving westward in to the setting sun. 

I also feel absolutely exhausted today. Everything feels like a huge chore. I meant to make a to-do list while at work today, but I couldn’t even do that. It is difficult to explain. I don’t necessarily feel tired. I just feel like I can’t make my body move the way I want it to. I would much rather just crawl in to bed.

Speaking of my bed, after my kids took an eternity to eat lunch and I put them in bed for a nap, I decided to forego trying to start my afternoon with a nap, and I opted to turn on the Relaxation track from the Hypnobirthing: The Mongan Method book’s CD.  If you have read any of my previous posts on hypnobirthing, you will note that I have an electronic copy of the book, which was great to get access to the reading material, but I suspected for along time that I was missing out on a CD that was mentioned a lot in the book. I actually decided to borrow a copy of the book from the library, and I discovered that the book does come with a CD! There are only two tracks on the CD; one is a relaxation track, and the other is about welcoming baby. I actually have not listened to the second track. 

I love the relaxation track so much. There were a few times that I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep, or a few afternoons I was feeling too accelerated to sleep, and I turned on this track and felt incredibly rested and relaxed in only 20 minutes. Words are such a powerful thing!

I really only have a few things left on my to-do list, and I am trying to decide if I want to do them tonight (with the help and mental support of my darling husband), or if I want to leave them for tomorrrow. They are:

  • Vaccuum upstairs and downstairs
  • Wash kitchen linens
  • Wash pillows and backpacks on delicate cycle
  • Put away the 4 baskets of clean laundry
  • Wash kitchen floor
  • File filing cabinet junk
  • Online shop – I need to get nursing nightgowns and amber dropper bottles for my placenta tincture I am planning on making (yep, not only am I encapsulating my placenta again, I am making a tincture, too!)
  • Tidy up the storage bins which are in our downstairs living room – right now I have girl and boy newborn clothes out and washed, and I just need to make it look… nicer.
  • Make the downstairs bathroom useable (I have been using the shower to store stuff, but I just realized I’m going to have a pretty full house of people next week, so I think I need to clear it out).
  • Clean the main bathroom. Ask mom to scrub the tub, though.

Mentally, I feel ready for baby! I will actually venture to say that I want baby out now. But, I do want baby to wait until my mom and sister arrive. So, baby, please start making your appearance in the next 24-48 hours. Thursday morning at around 10am would be a perfect time to begin labor. Can you check your schedule and confirm your availability? Thanks.

Oh, and check out the picture. Is it just me, or do I look ridiculously pregnant?  And this was T-2 minutes until I crawled in to bed, so that is why my bed is a rumpled mess still.


35 Weeks Pregnant

15 Mar

I’m feeling fantastic at the moment. I love being pregnant. The last half of last week was a bit of a drag because I had the stomach flu for the SECOND time this pregnancy. Ridiculous! Last time I was sick I wasn’t 100% convinced I could say I had the stomach flu since I just had stomach pain and didn’t throw up.  This time, the exact same thing happened to me; I felt ill but didn’t throw up.  But, my dear daughter got sick at the exact same time as I did and threw up every hour for a whole day. So I was on puke-management while feeling ill myself. I’m happy to say we have both made a full recovery, but it was a good 48 hours of not feeling well.

I’ve also decided that I am done with clothes. I was done with clothes months ago, but I seriously am going to go spend the rest of my pregnancy at a nudist colony. This morning I put on one of my maternity dresses and discovered it had turned in to a shirt. Today was the first day that I rocked my leggings as pants. To be fair, my shirt/dress did cover my derriére.

I also decided that I would like to officially start maternity leave from life tomorrow. If you need me, I will be in my room eating bon bons for the next five weeks, free from adult responsibilities. 

34 Weeks Pregnant

5 Mar

After two weeks or so of waking up for the day before 5am, this past week I had several days where I SLEPT IN until my alarm rang!  On one morning that we didn’t have anywhere to go, I actually slept in until 7:45am. I can’t believe I consider 7:45am to be sleeping in.  But it felt absolutely delicious. Not only have I been sleeping in, but I have been sleeping WELL.  I haven’t felt super uncomfortable at night (for the past few weeks the baby seemed to be burrowing painfully in to the top sides of my uterus while I was sleeping). I feel SO GOOD.  I LOVE 3rd trimester! I’m not sure if I felt quite this good with my last two pregnancies.

In spite of sleeping extremely well this past week, I have still been very tired. I think I took 2 or 3 naps this week, and one of those naps was like an hour and 20 minutes. Oh! How I love to sleep!  And I will feel no guilt for laying around. Plenty of people advise pregnant ladies to “sleep while they can,” right? So I am just taking advantage of that!

In the midst of me feeling so happy with how wonderful I feel, I thought, “Wow, I think my most annoying symptom this pregnancy is the part where I get dizzy/fuzzy feeling when I am inclined on my back.” Then I remembered that I was rather miserable for almost 2 whole trimesters with nausea and digestive pain. So, I suppose the worst symptom of my third trimester is the vena cava issue. Because of that, I just might remember this as my favorite pregnancy! 

31 Weeks Pregnant

13 Feb

Today I was super cranky. However, it wasn’t because of how I felt due to pregnancy. I just felt that I was close to the edge of crazy and was feeling super impatient, where usually I am calmly patient. It was horrible. I think the meaning of it all is that I need a nice mommy vacation.

This past week I have been suffering madly from all sorts of little ailments that have been heightening my senses for everything due to the discomfort (so I suppose I contribute my crankiness to this, ultimately). I have had a blister/canker sore on the inside of my lip for almost 2 weeks now. Usually they go away after a day or two. This one might get a bit smaller one day and then it swells up suddenly. On top of that, I have a sore on the tip of my tongue. It reminds me of a zit, that is how annoying it is! I have had that for almost a week! Once again, I’ve had inflamed taste buds here and there, but they usually go away in half a day or so. I cannot believe this one is still on my tongue, and it has not gotten a smidgen better after all these days. It is just hanging out. On top of those two extremely aggravating annoyances, while nothing new, my lips have been peeling and cracking like crazy, so every day I deal with patches of dead skin and patches of open cuts that are so fresh that they occasionally bleed. Lastly, yesterday I came down with another sore on my thumb (thank goodness it is far away from my face… I guess). I recall grabbing something prickly the other day (like broom bristles or something), pricking myself, and now there is some foreign little object in there causing havoc. All these minor wounds have been grating on my nerves like fingernails down a chalkboard.

In the happy news column, I bought our gender-neutral baby book this week! It was one of the few things that I needed to buy, and it makes me feel like I am ready for baby to join our family.

I also have to say that I have just been so delighted with my family this pregnancy. I feel like this baby is just as much of a sibling to the kids as they are to each other. We talk about the baby moving, we talk about what we will be doing right before baby arrives, and other things that we will do after the baby arrives, both of the kids ask me if the baby is sleeping or awake and love to place their hands on my tummy, and both kids talk to the baby just like they would to each other. I very much have three children present in my life.

Even though days like today make me wonder how I will get through similar days with two big kids and a newborn, I know this little babe will fit right in with our family, and I am super excited to meet our little one!

29 & 30 weeks pregnant

7 Feb

Get. Out. Of. Town. I’m THIRTY WEEKS pregnant?! I feel like I barreling down a street at 100mph and my brakes have gone. I’m not really complaining, I just can’t believe that it has gone so quickly. I am so stinking excited to meet our little one, but at the same time I would be totally happy to go overdue (or maybe just be pregnant forever?), except for the fact that visiting family would miss the birth. Pair that with my suspicion that I WON’T go overdue and it makes me flip out!

I’m currently enjoying bursts of energy which is channeled in to cleaning and organizing my house, and getting “stuff” crossed off my to-do list. I have no dirty laundry. My sheets are clean. I organized the garage and crawl space. I reorganized the kids’ clothes. I’ve been on top of cooking and cleaning the floors. It’s nice to feel like a normal human being!

The only complaint that I have is that at night when I just want to sit in bed and relax and read, I can’t really get comfortable. Sitting on my bed at a 95-100 degree angle is putting significant pressure on my vena cava and I get a fuzzy head within one minute. I think I might try to start readying the house more for baby and move some furniture around this weekend. I think if I bring the glider in my bedroom now (or maybe in the living room), I can lounge and relax in the glider without my extra weight pressing on my vena cava. I also feel the extreme need to get rid of stuff. The random clutter is driving me nuts!